Souls on Fire

There are so many things I want to get out of my head, but without being in Paris, I can't put a single word to paper. I might contradict myself when it comes to the story.

Still, my head, my heart, my soul screams of nothing but Paris. There are still a whopping eight months that I have yet to wait until I can go (even though I found a flight for a mere $100...it was so VERY tempting, but I don't even have enough for that yet.) and I'm going stir crazy.

I know that I was not meant for this world, that I should have been born in a different time, so why is it that I feel that way? Why am I convinced that the world was so much better when people could die from chicken pox and the flu? When there were no video games? When there was no female rights? Perhaps because of the respect that everyone demanded of themselves. Women were respected more as objects than they are now as equals. A kiss on the hand was almost mandatory then, but now I find myself completely floored if I stumble across a real gentleman. I'm more curious to see if there are in fact more men like this on the other side of the world. I know I was viewed very highly while in Japan. Respect followed me, and I did have to earn it.

There's so many things I hope to find over there. Perhaps where I belong in this world, since I can't go back in time to where I feel I belong. I've truly forgotten who I am in the last 10 years. I used to be rather sure of myself. I used to know what my personality was, even if I didn't know much about the world around me. I was book smart. Not street smart.

Now it would seem the tables have turned. I definitely do not feel clever or intelligent like I used to. It's strange, I know I'm smart, but boy do I feel stupid. Everything about me right now seems to be a contradiction.

I'm in love with two men. One alive, one gone for over two hundred years now. Or at least, nearly two hundred years, and of course, that in itself doesn't make any sense at all. No, I won't go into details. I don't really feel like sharing really. It's none of your business.

No, this is between me and my brain. The one who continuously seems to betray me.

Eitherway, I will be spending quite a bit of time in Paris. Possibly a year, I'm unsure. But there's so much I plan to do while there. In fact, I hope to find my career there as an Opera singer. Following my child dream... the one that I stifled because I didn't think I was good enough. Or that I could actually make a living off it.

Certainly, I am being smart about it. I'm not going to chase my dreams until I can no longer run, I just need to go for myself to see if I can achieve them at all. My book, my voice, my teacher... all of it can be found in Paris. It's just all these WORDS that I can't seem to hold inside me.

Have you ever gotten to the point where there is SO much inside you that you just want to scream to get it out?

I feel like that every single day now. There's so much I want to give, so much I want to show the world, so much compassion I want to share. So much PASSION.
I guess the real question is whether I can be brave enough to share it all, and perhaps whether the world wants to receive any of it.

...I could keep rambling about this for hours, but really. What good would it do? I have eight months to wait, to fill with words that won't get me closer to where I need to be.

My hands shake when I think I'm not where I'm supposed to be. That I have to wait.

What if whatever is calling me has no patience. What if my special thing that is calling me will not wait for me? What if I don't make it there in time, and the magic disappears.

What do I do then?